Everyone raise your right hand

And repeat after me:

I (state your name) do solemnly swear,

That if I ever see Ann in this outfit,

I will retrieve the silver bullet she carries in her purse in case of such an emergency;

and shoot her with it because she clearly deserves to be be out of her (and our) misery.

Thank you my friends, I know I can depend on you if my brain accidentally squirts out my ear and I mortify myself by donning this get-up. I suppose that we should be thrilled she remembered to wear panties.

Out of Sorts

My beloved husband is off to visit his parents until Saturday evening and I am left to my own devices. It is so very tempting to go rescue all of my little friends from the dungeon that is DSW, but I think I shall hold off. For one thing, I have to be really careful of what shoes I wear with the broken ribs and all. Still haven't figured out how I did all that.

So what am I going to do for the next few days while Teeb is gone? I have choir this evening so that takes up tonight. But tomorrow Alicia and Betty leave for the DOK Province III retreat. Sue is going to work on the boat (which they named "No Good Deed" TOO Funny) I had forgotten that everyone was going to be gone and now I am a little petunia in an onion patch.

Unfortunate Sharpie Girl has been out of town so it is very quiet on that front.

I am simply at a loss as to what to do with myself!

The Siren Song of Shoes

WAUKESHA, Wis. - Police seized more than 1,500 pairs of girls’ shoes from the home and storage unit of a man arrested for breaking into a high school, police said Tuesday.

“He liked to smell them,” said Lt. William H. Graham.

Police said the recovered shoes may be related to the burglaries of three Waukesha public high schools and a middle school over the past two years.

The 27-year-old Kenosha man, who was not identified because had yet to be formally charged, worked for a cable company and collected keys to the schools as he responded to calls, Graham said. The same man was convicted in 2005 for stealing shoes from Kenosha Tremper High School.

Police arrested him after a security video showed him entering North High School on May 20 and leaving with some items, authorities said.

Officers searched the man’s home and a rented storage unit on Thursday, recovering the shoes along with school yearbooks, keys, a bolt cutter and other items.

The man was expected to be charged in Waukesha County Circuit Court, Capt. Mike Babe said.

It's WEDNESDAY

Wednesday Addams - get it?

Boo.

I have had this weird pain in my side for almost a week, so I decided that I would cave in and go to the doctor to see about it. Radical concept.

Turns out I have two cracked/broken ribs. How did I get said broken ribs? No earthly idea. You would think that if I pulled some stunt the ended up in a broken bone that I would remember it (and no, I don't drink that much), but for the life of me I cannot come up with anything.

Since I cannot recall any injury to myself, I now get the opportunity to have a bone density test done. It's not that big of a deal, just like an X-ray from what I understand. I am just not thrilled about the entire incident.

You think that if I was going to break two ribs I would at least have a good story to tell about it.

Butt Darts

Here just miles from our nation's capitol we are able to amuse ourselves with the most refined and sophisticated past times - we play butt darts.

What? You have never played? SHOCKING!

To play butt darts a cup of some sort is placed on the floor. Then one carefully places a quarter between ones cheeks (let me clarify here that clothes are definitely worn during this game. We are not that degenerate). The the player then waddles over to the cup, clinching the quarter as best possible, and aims for the cup, attempting to deposit said quarter. I suck at this game because I cannot laugh, waddle, and clinch all at the same time. I did manage to hit the cup but my quarter bounced out.

Our parish champion is a studious child about 8 years old. She has never missed. She also reads the lessons with great aplomb and clearly has a life of greatness ahead of her.

A little something to start your Saturday

This guy is a hoot!

I think I am OK now....

I have a DSW bag to breathe in and out of should I feel another "spell" coming on.

Yesterday Unfortunate Sharpie Girl went above and beyond the bounds of acceptability. She went proudly and then had the unmitigated gall to blame it on ME!

USG showed up yesterday wearing white pants. With no undergarments. Squick. To top that off, we could see her freakin' tattoo on her left cheek through the pants. I was nominated (why why why do I always pick rock when we are playing the rock-scissors-paper game? EVERYONE knows that - even I know that) to speak to her the whole thing. I think I handled it well. I just explained that I was sure that she had not checked her rear view on her way out the door this morning and had NO idea that we could see that she has a big ol' rose tattoed on her butt. She probably wanted to run over to Wal Mart or somewhere and pick up some panties so that would be covered up. She assured me that she did not know that one could see her butt, afterall she wears those pants all the time and no one has mentioned it before. My thought was "Of course not - the lighting is probably bad at the strip club you work at part-time." But she really took it all pretty well and off to Wal Mart she skipped.

She returned with leopard panties on. Under the white pants that we could see through.

The grasshoppers could hardly wait to get to me to fill me in on this. USG came by to proudly display that she is wearing panties. Not being the brightest bulb in the pack, I mentioned that while we cannot see her tattoo we can certainly tell that she was wearing leopard panties. Had she thought about getting nude colored panties?

This is what she said and you can't make this shit up:

"You wear leopard stuff. And besides, if I was going to get nude colored panties then what is the difference in just staying commando?"

It is all a blur after that. I do remember the grasshoppers administering shoe therapy and me babbling about leopard panties. How did USG equate my sassy leopard scarf tied to my straw bag with her leopard panties seen through the white pants? Is it possible that some people just flat pure D don't GET IT?

These people clearly should have never produced a child

I am at my wits end with unfortunate sharpie girl

I can't even bring myself to blog about it right now. I mean,

asdjlhv 4o;9ujirgfzlknwe,f m.l4qwei 9poud tmfw'34pjm ,

Note: This is one of the grasshoppers. Miss Ann has had some sort of fit and passed out on her keyboard. We are taking her to DSW to smell the new shoes and expect a full recovery.

What the HELL did I eat before I went to sleep?

Ever have a dream so incredibly wacky that you are convinced that it is signaling the end of the world? Yeah, me neither until last night.

Remember my previous wacky dream? This one was weirder.

It starts out with Steve and I going on a cruise (again with the cruise). We are driving separate cars (probably because I have packed so many shoes there is no room for poor Steve in the car). Steve discovers that the neighbors dog, a Jack Russell, is in his car, so we both have to go back to return the dog. This especially difficult for me because I am the one hauling the horse trailer (again, probably filled with shoes). We return the dog, but we have missed the boat. So we decide that we will spend the night a local shop, kind of a bed-bath-clothes-etc place. It is not designed to serve as a hotel but what the hell.

We are getting settled in when Bishop Chane calls and he is upset. Now I love the Bish - he is a hoot. He plays drums in his own band called the Chane gang - for real this is not part of the dream. Anyway, he is upset that we are staying in this shop. He thinks that we have invited everyone that was on the boat to camp out with us. (I don't know if this was the Episcopal Thrift shop at this particular port of call or not. Why the Bish would give a flying flip is beyond me.) We assure him that it's just the two of us and he is placated.

I proceed to get ready for bed and decide to take a shower. Only I can't because Orville Redenbacher is sitting in a chair in the shower.

So we have an ongoing theme with the boat and animals involved on the way to the boat. Clearly this means something. I just hope that what it doesn't mean is that I am terminally and irreversibly crazy.

Or that I have a secret cruch on Orville Redenbacher. Which, when one thinks about it, is the exact same thing.

It's Wednesday Again

Amazing how it rolls around every week. I think that Wednesday is my least favorite day of the week. It is just too far from either the week-end before or the weekend after it to do me any good.

Let's review the week thus far, shall we?

My song thing has stalled. Shocking.

Erin thinks that I spend entirely too much time on You Tube. Let us remember that I cannot sit through a movie so a 3 - 5 minute video is about the right length for my attention span. And the whole Cows with Guns thing made me insanely giggle. Abby would think it was funny.

I suppose one could begin planning the ubiquitous cookout for Memorial Day, but I just can't get enthused about that either.

Guess I'll go watch some more You Tube...

Cows With Guns

I crack me up

What song reminds you of me?

I must stop reading other people's blogs - I get the craziest ideas from them!

Remember when I asked what word describes me? Now I want to know what song describes me.

So far, from co-workers, I have received:

Sit Down You're Rockin' the Boat (from Guys and Dolls)
Ride of the Valkyries (this made me laugh really loud)
Respect (by Aretha, thank you very much)

Do I detect a theme toward rebelliousness here? I can't imagine why people would get that vibe from me.

So send me some songs - who knows maybe I will burn a disc and send it to everyone who responds!

Another silly meme

This one is swiped from my pal Mrs. Badger

If I was an hour of the day... 10:00 a.m.
If I was a planet... I'd be Saturn.
If I was a direction... I'd be South.
If I was a piece of furniture... Chaise lounge.
If I was a liquid... I'd be vodka.
If I was a sin... I'd be Wrath.
If I was a rock... I'd be granite.
If I was a tree... I'd be a redbud.
If I was a fruit... I'd be a kiwi.
If I was a flower... I'd be a peony.
If I was a climate... I'd be an arid desert.
If I was a musical instrument... I'd be a trumpet.
If I was an element... I'd be Earth (or, Periodic Table-y speaking, Carbon).
If I was a color... I'd be yellow.
If I was an animal... I'd be a spoiled dog like Bob.
If I was a sound... I'd be a sigh.
If I was music... I'd be a celtic tune.
If I was a music style... Jazz.
If I was a feeling... I'd be ennui.
If I was a book... I'd be Mary of the Lost and Found.
If I was a food... I'd be shark soup.
If I was a place... I'd be home.
If I was a flavour... I'd be sour.
If I was a scent... I'd be herbal.
If I was a word... I'd be "sassy."
If I was a verb... I'd be "sew".
If I was an object... book.
If I was a part of the body... I'd be the head.
If I was a facial expression... I'd be a smirk.
If I was a cartoon character... Calvin.
If I was a movie... I'd be The Princess Bride.
If I was a shape... I'd be a spiral.
If I was a number... I'd be 7.
If I was a season... I'd be Fall.
If I was a sentence... I'd be "Of course I could be wrong."

Now for something completely different...

Hypothetically of course.

What would you do if one of your employees came to work in an outfit way over the edge. Let's pretend that her skirt is so short that you think it is really supposed to be a shirt. Or that she is falling out of her top. We're talking overtly skankish here.

Fortunately, one can always point out that one cannot do play therapy when one's bottom is in danger of exposing itself to the already traumatized three year old.

But what does a supervisor do when an employees ta ta's are threatening to escape their already questionable bounds of decency? It is not a tank top, mid-drift, T-shirt with writing, etc that is already listed on the dress code. It is a top cut to the navel.

Simply put, it frightens the bejeesus out of me, and generally speaking, I would prefer to hang onto my bejeesus whenever possible.

It's Wednesday

And that seems to be the only redeeming factor about the day. I am over run with too many events happening in too short a time. One does not want to be working on the afternoon tea and confuse that event with the Harley ride ending up at Hooters. Those two will just not mix no matter how I try to make it so. Who knows, each group might really have a great time at the other, but somehow I think there would be much clutching of pearls.

I am on the board of United Way St. Mary's county which meets tonight so I will not get hom until late. I hate that because I really wanted to start on a new quilt this evening.

Oh there is SOME good news! I have been invited to a wine blending. No idea what that really is but what the heck!!

If this does not make you want to smile and tap through Monday you, my friend, are dead

Mother's Day

It is not a good thing to not have children near on Mother's Day. I have pretty much had a big ol' pity party all day about it.

Yesterday I went to Fredericksburg - what a charming little town! The Confederate Army cemetary is there along with Martha Washington University which gives it a very different, but cool, vibe. That history-college town thing is definately a interesting mix. I went to check out the bead store, Beadle Jewelz. The bead store, alas, was a disappointment but the stroll up and down the main street more than made up for it. Steve had to work, which was a bummer, since we always have a good time on those types of adventures.

When I got home, Steve and I went to DSW where Steve bought these
And I bought these


They are uber comfy and just right for those times that I don't think I can get away with the Ed Hardy pair. Steve reports that his are comfy as well.

Today was spent wallowing in a pit of self pity as big as the sea. OK - a little dramatic perhaps. We went and bought Steve new pants (32's!!!) and me books. While there was wallowing, it was not long and drawn out. Perhaps more of a puddle than a sea. And I think I am over it - until next time.

O Be Joyful

Storms

The people in charge of such things released the list of names that will be used for tropical storms this year. Both "Andrea" and "Erin" are listed. Coincidence? I think not.

The Game is On

I received an e-mail asking me to describe the sender of said e-mail in one word. The person sending me this is the Chairman of our Board of Directors, so, naturally, I responded with a suitable answer" "committed."

I sent the e-mail on and some of the responses I have received have been interesting. Things I would have never attributed to myself, but lo and behold that is how someone sees me. Here is the list so far:

Fearless
Supercalafragalisticexpialadocius
Kind
Funny
Compassionate
Savy
religious
fashionista (YES!)
helper
friend
fair
love (from my sweet husband)

Feel free to add to my list - but please be kind. No drive by dissing please!

The Monday video

I am very sad that I cannot post the Monday Dance Through the Day video.

I had decided that a dance video was just what we all needed to get through this most difficult day of the week. Therefore, my goal was to post a video every Monday to make the day a little more bearable.

Alas, for whatever reason, YouTube will not let me post the Monkees singing one of their top ten hits: I'm a Believer.

You will have to just hum it in your head and dance around anyway.

May Day!

No - not as in "HELP," but as in flowers blooming, children picking flowers, birds signing etc.

A hundred years ago when I was little, Dawn and I would pick flowers and make a little cone shaped pretty and hang it on Mrs. Crow's door knob on May Day. I don't remember Mrs. Crow exactly, but I do remember that she was very kind and had a wonderful little china bird that she would let me come in and "pet." She also gave us some fabulous pink fuzzy slippers one year for Christmas.

So go out and be kind to someone today and make a memory for them...and yourself.